Daddy

My baby girl called me “papa” today. She apparently called out as I left the room to bring her a bottle of water. Love you lots my baby Rachel.

Fatherhood

I am continued to be amazed at the miracle of life each time I lay my eyes on Rachel – my daughter. Being a first time daddy, the thought of being responsible for a new life used to look daunting. Although the sense of fear and trepidation has been replaced by a fatherly resolve to ensure the little ‘un gets the best from a set of loving and doting parents, I am still keenly aware of the challenges to come when little Rachel grows up in this increasingly complex, and sometimes, morally challenging world. The days of ironclad morals and ethics of the decades past seem to have been replaced by a ‘free for all’ attitude in everything that is being done today.

I will leave those fears for further reflection on another day, in another post.

This post is more about the celebration of welcoming a new member to the clan and family. Just slightly more than 3 months old of age now, Rachel has brought me loads of laughter, smiles, frowns, exasperation and confusion. Guess bringing up a baby that has yet to master the art of verbal communication brings along such joys and challenges.

Saying that I  am thriving through the daily night-feeds, which my better half have been doing more than her fair share of, would be an outright lie. Let’s just say that I have reached an equilibrium in maintaining my sanity in an environment where baby’s needs trumps everything else. That said, the fact that I am typing this post now is courtesy of my baby taking her nap before her next feed.

Which also means that it’s time for me to scoot off to catch some of ‘my’ time, to do stuff which I want to, before I enter the reality of Rachel’s world again. But hey, I ain’t complaining.

Big Day Coming Up

This is more like a tweet. But since I don’t tweet at all, just want to let my friends know that tomorrow will mark one of the most important days of my life. That’s all.

Offline

Been offline since my HP Pavilion Mediacenter PC decided to call it quits some 2 weeks back. It has decided to stay in its ‘uncooperative’ despite numerous attempts to resuscitate it.

To say that I am frustrated is an understatement. Withdrawal systems from the lack of internet access have been mild since I have, more or less, successfully unplugged myself from the active social online presence I used to maintain previously.

However, I do miss ‘Photoshopping’ with my photos and playing some of the PC games.

I certainly hope that this state of affairs end soon. Using the phone to write long posts ain’t something that I enjoy.

Oh yeah, after this experience, I wouldn’t recommend HP to anyone after the amount of pain it caused me.

Mid-life Crisis

Something happened to me recently which gave me a glimpse of what ‘mid-life crisis’ meant. The event wasn’t the earth shattering sort, where I woke up in the middle of the night asking myself what had I lived for in the past 30-odds years. Although I won’t be sharing the details here, just know that it was a really unpleasant development which prompted me to review, and rethink, what I have done over the years.

So, what exactly is a mid-life crisis, for a middle-aged male, all about. From the experience I had last week, I can say that it is pretty scary. First, thoughts of my self-worth assailed me. My mind went into this phase of reviewing every single one of my achievements and failures, and measured them against my contemporaries. It wasn’t a pleasant exercise to go through, but I couldn’t jolly well shut off my brain when it decides to unleash itself from conscious control during these rare moments. Needless to say, my self-worth plummeted. At this point, I actually sensed a sort of unseen black miasma of ‘negative’ thoughts/energies surrounding me. Not being an emotional being probably saved me the pain of stepping over the percipice into a bout of depression.

Being able to intellectually ‘see’ and access the negative thoughts that threatened to engulf me gave me a sort of insight into what one feels when one is in the grip of depression. While the physical environment remains the same, the perceived world, through the mind’s eyes, becomes a dark place, a place without hope, joy and happiness. Stuck in a ‘worst case scenario’ type of mindset, the mind perceives everything in the worst possible light. It’s really like the bottomless pit which many sufferers of depression have described. I can only be thankful that I managed to have observed the power of its dark allure without fully falling into a dreaded bout of depression.

I am glad to have had this experience. Truth be told, this episode is definitely a life-changing type of event. Looking at myself, especially my faults and weaknesses, gave me a brutal view of what I have done, should have done, and should not have done, over the years. I know I have not fulfilled the potential that God has given me, and that my laziness stems from my ‘can-be-bothered’ attitube to things which are important in life. This has to stop. Life is short. We are given a short time on earth to do whatever we are supposed to do, with the gifts, or talents, that have been given to us. The time to lead a fulfilling life is now. It’s is never tomorrow, since tomorrow may never come.

So, how will I live my life from this point on? Well, I can only say that I will do those things which I should have done, and stop doing those things which I shouldn’t. There’s never a better time to start.

Separately, I have to share the spiritual dimension which I experienced during this monumental event. For those who know me, I one of those Catholics who believe, but doesn’t actively attend, actually doesn’t attend, Mass or participate in any religious activities. But when I encountered this hurdle in life, one of the very first thing that I did was to turn to prayer. For a person who have not prayed much, nor attended church services for years, the act of turning to God through prayer is something which, till this minute, I cannot explain. I actually took out the rosary, which has always accompanied me on my journey, from my bag, and started praying. The rosary prayer for that particular day (Friday) was the Sorrowful Mysteries. For some reason, the scriptures that accompanied the prayers for the day sort of connected with me. It was as if I was being comforted and spoken to. Needless to say, I found a great sense of peace and calm settling over me as I started praying. To know that someone is watching out for me is a very blessed feeling ineed.

Photo of the Moment – Serenity

Another photo that was taken during my visit to the Asian Civilisation Museum in Apr. Named the photo “Serenity” as the image exudes a kind of peacefulness and ease.

The SMRT ‘Ushers’

Instead of increasing the number of trains to relief the daily squeeze on its overcrowded trains, SMRT employed an army of maroon clad ushers at its station to ensure that each train trip is packed to its capacity.

While I laud SMRT’s ‘charity’ in providing employment for the senior citizens, as most of the ushers are older folks, I am not particularly fond of the hectoring dishes out by these folks when they getting herd us – cattle-like, in tin cans we call trains.

Getting into a train is already a stressful affair. Commuters do not need further advice on how to pack ourselves into our ‘world-class’ transport system.

Wonder Girls – Nobody

I know it’s kinda late, but I just have to share this MV of Wonder Girls’ – Nobody. Enjoy!

Arrested Development

Have not actively followed any American drama or sitcoms since Friends ended almost a decade ago. It doesn’t help that the virtually endless supply of Korean dramas had the attention of my eyebas for the last 5 years or so.

Recently, I rediscovered the joy of watching US sitcoms again. Have been watching, and enjoying immensely, Arrested Development, an US. sitcom on a dysfunctional family. Sibling rivalry, parental neglect, forbidden cousinly love, and a do-gooder trying to hold the ‘Bluth family’ together are the ingredients which make this drama such a lol ‘must watch’ type of show.

With all the weird spins and development, I really can’t wait to see how it all ends in season 1.

Gone App Crazy

I am mentally prepared for a shock when my handphone bill for this month arrives in the coming days. Having signed up for the lightest, thus cheapest, data plan, with the noble thought of rarely using the mobile surfing function of my phone, I am now regretting this blunder.

Since the day I downloaded the apps for BBC (the news nut that I am), WordPress and various mindless, but highly addictive games, I have been online enough to know that I busted the 35mb data I am given. The cheapo in me are now cussing the stupidity of the decision on the fateful day I got my phone.

Anyway, there’s little point in crying over spilt milk.

Currently, my wife and I are in opposing Android and Apple camps since she’s using the Ipod while I use the Android platform on my HTC Hero.

From what I observe, Apple apps are flashier and stylis compared to the ‘workhorse’ feel of my Android apps. However, I am firmly in Google’s camp as Apple, despite its seemingly good products, are going down the route of the ‘evil corporate empire’ with its attempt to control the development of apps and making us pay for something as basic as their firmware.

If any Android app developer is reading this, do know that Android users, like myself, think you guys are doing a great job. Keep it up!