Mid-life Crisis

Something happened to me recently which gave me a glimpse of what ‘mid-life crisis’ meant. The event wasn’t the earth shattering sort, where I woke up in the middle of the night asking myself what had I lived for in the past 30-odds years. Although I won’t be sharing the details here, just know that it was a really unpleasant development which prompted me to review, and rethink, what I have done over the years.

So, what exactly is a mid-life crisis, for a middle-aged male, all about. From the experience I had last week, I can say that it is pretty scary. First, thoughts of my self-worth assailed me. My mind went into this phase of reviewing every single one of my achievements and failures, and measured them against my contemporaries. It wasn’t a pleasant exercise to go through, but I couldn’t jolly well shut off my brain when it decides to unleash itself from conscious control during these rare moments. Needless to say, my self-worth plummeted. At this point, I actually sensed a sort of unseen black miasma of ‘negative’ thoughts/energies surrounding me. Not being an emotional being probably saved me the pain of stepping over the percipice into a bout of depression.

Being able to intellectually ‘see’ and access the negative thoughts that threatened to engulf me gave me a sort of insight into what one feels when one is in the grip of depression. While the physical environment remains the same, the perceived world, through the mind’s eyes, becomes a dark place, a place without hope, joy and happiness. Stuck in a ‘worst case scenario’ type of mindset, the mind perceives everything in the worst possible light. It’s really like the bottomless pit which many sufferers of depression have described. I can only be thankful that I managed to have observed the power of its dark allure without fully falling into a dreaded bout of depression.

I am glad to have had this experience. Truth be told, this episode is definitely a life-changing type of event. Looking at myself, especially my faults and weaknesses, gave me a brutal view of what I have done, should have done, and should not have done, over the years. I know I have not fulfilled the potential that God has given me, and that my laziness stems from my ‘can-be-bothered’ attitube to things which are important in life. This has to stop. Life is short. We are given a short time on earth to do whatever we are supposed to do, with the gifts, or talents, that have been given to us. The time to lead a fulfilling life is now. It’s is never tomorrow, since tomorrow may never come.

So, how will I live my life from this point on? Well, I can only say that I will do those things which I should have done, and stop doing those things which I shouldn’t. There’s never a better time to start.

Separately, I have to share the spiritual dimension which I experienced during this monumental event. For those who know me, I one of those Catholics who believe, but doesn’t actively attend, actually doesn’t attend, Mass or participate in any religious activities. But when I encountered this hurdle in life, one of the very first thing that I did was to turn to prayer. For a person who have not prayed much, nor attended church services for years, the act of turning to God through prayer is something which, till this minute, I cannot explain. I actually took out the rosary, which has always accompanied me on my journey, from my bag, and started praying. The rosary prayer for that particular day (Friday) was the Sorrowful Mysteries. For some reason, the scriptures that accompanied the prayers for the day sort of connected with me. It was as if I was being comforted and spoken to. Needless to say, I found a great sense of peace and calm settling over me as I started praying. To know that someone is watching out for me is a very blessed feeling ineed.

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